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It has been chaos for the whole week and it should soon to be extended to weeks, or even months. Of course, I hope this would not happen but it is just inevitable. The remaining days to 'O' levels are dwindling and fear just occupies me for I could never turn time around. I am sad to admit that I am procrastinating everyday. It's wrong, morally wrong to let down the teachers that had painstaking taught me, and this makes me guilty. I have changed, I am not the old me, and I don't seem to be in control of myself to change this. It is a sad truth to accept but this is the reality. REALITY! I BLOODLY HATE THIS!
The source of my worries that evokes the feelings in me are obvious. But the waves of feelings that is coursing through my body here and then is not what I could comprehend. Its an unknown mixture of feelings. Never had I felt so much intensity in my heart, never had I felt so helpless and never had I felt so stretched. I felt like a rubber band being stretched and pushed to its limits, almost at its breakdown point, but never does it seem to arrive.
Probably it really did, when a few days ago, I cried. Emotions just exploded like a balloon and uncontrolled tears just streamed down my face without any warning. It was unexpectedly expected. But still, who could have foresee that these tears could escape from their ducts during maths lesson? It was meant to be a relief for my stress but as the tears flowed and smeared on my papers, it just went out of control. No matter how hard I tried to contain myself, by tightening all my muscles and attempts by sheer will to force the tears back into their ducts, it was to no avail. The sniffing rhythm soon gained momentum and sparkled curiosity among the class people who soon turned back and peeked at me. Yes, probably as what Ms Ng said, I m breaking down.
But that was what that seemed to have happened for a long time.
Again, today for what seems to be an ordinary day, has unexpectedly evoked lots of emotions in me. For no explicable reason, I felt like crying. Pangs of guilt, sympathy, anxiety was coursing through me the whole day. And each time it does, my heart surge and pains me. My body trembled. It was not fear nor was it worries. Nothing to be extact but it felt bad. For the first time, I thought I am going to get a heart attack for real. It was like a piercing pain that ripped my heart, so unbearable but its effects continued spreading to the rest of my body. Logically, it is something like the epicentre and earthquake theory. Probably this excruciating pain is what that had evoked from my indulgence of self-pity. Or was it from Soyabean? I picture myself in a pall of gloom that hung over everywhere that I have swept past.
The sunlight fades into a room of darkness, the colorful flowers wilts and the ominous clouds follows.
I opened my eyes and it dawned on me on how this world had becomes. It is so ugly.
Reality hit me hard. I am unable to accept this tragic truth.
I felt like letting this go but I just couldn't.
